When is it time to leave?

When is it time to leave an alcoholic?

Travis and I had a large fight this morning - a lot of screaming - and I think I've determined the root of most of my anger. It's not the lies per se; I think a better term to use is either deception or manipulation. In my mind, manipulation is deliberately deceiving someone with the intention of getting away with it. Most of the time, if I ask or accuse him of drinking he will fess up. But if I hadn't asked he would not have volunteered this information.

I hate fighting with him with he's angry because he's the type of of person who throws out stingers just to anger me because he has no defense for his actions. Within a minute, the argument had somehow turned to the fact that I am always putting my work ahead of my family. WHAT!?! I asked him to provide one ounce of evidence - give me one example of a time in the past week when I have sacrificed my family in favor of my work. He couldn't.

What infuriated me even more was the fact that he chose to call in sick to he could recover from the previous night. I chastised him for being willing to take the day off for an instance like this, but he was unwilling to do so to support me at a pre-trial hearing I had at the county municipal court early next week.  Pure selfishness. He seemed stunned for a second when he realized his mistake and then the dart firing simply continued. I refused to discuss this with him further as the conversation (and I use that term loosely) had completely deviated from the issue at hand and he was simply saying anything he could to hurt me. I went upstairs to finish getting ready and he tried to follow, so I rudely slammed the bathroom door in his face.

I quickly packed up my stuff and headed out to the library. As I walked to the door he asked if I wanted to make up. I said no and again slammed the door as I left.

Unfortunately, his deception is only made worse by Billy, Travis' son. It seems that manipulation runs in the family. Billy is 10 years old and has an issue with following directions and rules. He believes that he has the right to choose which rules he follows and when. If he can justify in his head a reason to disobey, he will do so.

"Billy, you know you're not supposed to watch TV while working on your homework."
"But I'm not paying attention to it."

Honestly, he has 4 simple daily "rules" that he needs to obey:
1. No TV until your homework in finished.
2. No food can be left in your bedroom because the dog ALWAYS finds it.
3. Take your medication every day.
4. Follow the guidelines for dressing yourself in the morning: fresh shirt, underwear, and socks every day; pants can be worn twice.

With that in mind, here's how the past few days have gone:

Friday night, Travis drinks and attempts to hide it.
Saturday, Billy doesn't take his medication until he is caught.
Sunday morning, Billy tries to go to school with dirty socks.
Sunday night, Billy tries to go to sleep with Cartoon Network playing on his computer.
Monday, Travis drinks and attempts to hide it.
Tuesday, Billy again tries to go to school with dirty socks.

Will it never end? Every day one of these two intentionally "breaks the rules" in an attempt to deceive me, and the frustration just compounds. But they don't get it. They just can't comprehend the damage they are doing. I don't know if this makes sense, and I'm not quite sure if this accurately describes what I'm feeling, but it's almost as those my self-confidence is shot. People are trying to manipulate me - they think I'm stupid enough to get away with it - they often do get away with it - they don't respect me enough to consider my wishes. And I don't want to live my life in a constant state of disrespect.

Travis is either a) happy with his chaotic, deceptive life as it now stands, or b) unwilling to put forth the effort to change it. Either way, that is not the way I want to live me life, and at this point I don't see evidence that it is going to change anytime soon.

For the first time in my life I seriously contemplated  the fact that this relationship is over, and I was stunned to observe how little regret I feel about this decision. He loves to tell me to leave when we argue, knowing full well that our lease is up in August and I can't do so until then. As a PhD holder, I'm hoping to have a post-doctoral position secured by then, or possibly an academic teaching position. We have been discussing options about whether or not they will follow me and when (immediately or after several months when Travis has time to pursue his professional career in a manner he sees fit).

In the next few days I plan to approach him with this decision: our lease is up in August and he has until then to figure out how and when he is going to tell Billy that I am leaving and probably not coming back. I will either find myself a new residence in Columbus, move back home with my parents and find something to do there, or follow a career opportunity somewhere else. If and some point in the future he manages to pull his life together we can contemplate resuming our relationship, but I can't put my life on hold for waiting for that to happen.  At this point, consummating any romantic part of our relationship is the only option I see.

I'm tempted to change the title of this blog to "CAN You Love An Alcoholic," and unfortunately I am probably forced to conclude...no.