Pity

Pity is not usually something I feel towards people. I almost look at that as a bit of an insult, because I think that's how I would feel if I knew someone was pitying me.

Remember the 10 gallon bucket? I just left it in the garage, near the recycling. I wanted to make sure he saw it, to make sure he knew that I knew. Why did I want that? Well, I guess at the time I wanted to make him mad, to make him feel guilty, to make him understand the consequences of his decisions.

Our recycling had been building up, and last night I wanted to load up the car and take it all over to the school's recycling bins. He helped me, and as we were almost done loading he noticed the bucket.

"Was that all in here [the garage]?"
"Not all of it."
"Where else was it?"
"Just....around...the house."

Silence.

There was not another word spoken as we drove to the school, unloaded, or drove back. But as we were driving over there, I heard a sniffle. Was he crying? It looked as though he was fighting back tears. That was not the response I expected. And that was when I caught myself feeling pity towards him, and I felt bad because of it.

M-W dictionary defines pity as "a sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy."

Seeing that overwhelming evidence of his drinking and deception had obviously made him unhappy. He was distressed, and yes, he was probably suffering. Was that what I had wanted? Well, no....I don't think so....

So what did I want? Why did I do that? It was supposed to be a counterargument: You want to know why I get so upset about one little lie? Because it's never one! It's a fucking 10 gallon bucket's worth! ....I don't think it can across that way.

And now the swing I'm on is swaying back in the other direction....It's okay, it's not your fault....you're sick.....we'll get through this....you can't control what you're doing......

My God, when does this vicious cycle of anger, hatred, and pitiful sympathy ever end?

What do I want?

So he's been doing a pretty good job of hiding his drinking lately - I think I've missed most of it. I had one suspicion about a week ago when I asked his son Billy to clean the bathroom and he found an empty can behind the toilet. I confronted Travis and he said that must have been from a long time ago. Then the next day I found one of the same cans under the seat of my car. He "honestly can't remember" where that came from. Sure....

He was somewhat frustrated with me on Saturday because he was trying to take the lead on a biome project of Billy's. I offered some advice and it was good - he hates it when I do that. He left to cut a piece of plexiglass at work and it took way too long. I knew what was up. He came home, told me he'd stopped to have a drink, and that he brought one home and intended on drinking it. He was telling me now because he didn't want to lie about it.

I got mad. Then he got mad at me because I had told him that I wanted him to be honest and wouldn't give him shit about it if he was. I guess I said something like that, but.....

Do I want him to be honest? Can I seriously not be mad at him even if he is?  I had a hard time in this argument because I initially couldn't justify my feelings. At first my points were:

1. It doesn't matter that he told the truth today - he's lies more often than he tells the truth.
2. Even though he was honest, he didn't apologize. It was as though he said, this is the way it is, and if you don't like it fuck you.

He didn't buy the first one. The second he understood. It  made sense to me too, but not until I said it. The evening didn't end well, and I've been really struggling with my anger. And I'm not entirely sure why.....Do I want him to be honest? Yes, but... do I want to be told he's drinking? No, because I don't want him to be drinking! But he IS going to drink, so if that's the case, do I WANT to know? Now I'm confused.....

Here's where I get mad....I know that there are a LOT of times he lies. If someone lies about doing something 90% of the time, and only tells the truth 10% of the time, do they really deserve a gold star for that? Should they be praised for that pathetic effort? If a student only turns in his homework once a week, does the teacher sit there and say Great Job! Now let's work on doing it twice a week! Or do they sit there and scold the student?

The next morning I caught him walking around and picking up a few hidden cans. He did so right in front of me almost as though he wanted to say, see - I'm not hiding it! It infuriated me, because I knew where all the other ones were still hiding. The ones I had been asking him for months to remove. So after he left I went around with a 10 gallon bucket and completely filled it with cans and bottles from around the house, and it took me less than 5 minutes to do so. Your tablespoon of the truth? Yeah, well here's 10 gallons of fucking lies!

So what do I want? If I know that I only get the truth 10% of the time, would I rather not have it at all?