Hi Rose.
It's been 36 hrs since he last had a drink.
*clapping*
My boyfriend, Travis, and I have been dating for almost 5 years, and I was somewhat blindsided by his alcoholism (or maybe just oblivious....). I had never known an alcoholic before; it wasn't an issue in my family. I didn't know the signs, and continued to develop alternative explanations.
He got his second DWI...well, sometimes you're just not thinking straight after a few drinks. He was only a few miles from home.
The hiccuping zombie I found covered in vomit at 3 in the morning, rocking on the couch with his his closed.....a little freaky, but must not have been feeling well.
He lost his job....but wasn't everybody cutting back?
And those college courses he failed.....well, it was his first time in school in over 10 years. It's hard to get back in the groove.
Luckily it was he who came to me and said, I think I have a problem, else I'd still probably be oblivious to it all. That was almost three years ago, and now we live together in a rental home with his 10 year-old son, Billy, from a previous marriage.
The time in between has been a roller coaster. He wanted to start AA - I was skeptical. He was doing well - apparently just good at hiding his drinking. I started to see a counsellor - he immediately didn't like Travis, so I left. I tried going to Al-Anon, but it just didn't feel right.
And we've finally gotten ourselves into this cycle:
Travis says he needs to go to meetings, and he promises to tell me if he drinks.
Travis drinks and doesn't tell me.
I find out he was drinking (about half f the time).
I confront him and we fight.
Eventually we make up, and the cycle starts again. The cycle varies between 3 days and 3 months, but lately it's been getting shorter as I've been getting smarter.
Here's an analogy I've used before to describe the damaging effects of this routine:
In my opinion every relationship needs a good foundation to build on if it's ever going to grow. Each day a couple spends together is like spackling bricks together to build wall. Get creative with whatever suits you (e.g. the bricks are your experiences, hopes, and dreams, and your love and support for each other is holding it all together...you get the picture). But hardships arise...sometimes the building just halts, and sometimes life comes at your wall like a hammer and knocks some of it down. It's okay though, because you're strong, and you both bounce back, make the repairs and keep right on building.
But alcoholism sits there right around the corner - a big sledgehammer in hand, waiting for you to turn your back so it can strike. And unfortunately, sometimes you haven't even had time to repair broken bricks before the hammer strikes again. Soon you see you wall shrinking - not growing. Even worse, sometimes you swear you can see alcoholism hand the hammer to your lover, who starts takeing down the wall himself....
Do you defend your wall, or do you run away for awhile until you're sure the vandal is gone? Do you try to rebuild quickly, or do so slowly to make sure you wall is as solid as possible? When your lover has the hammer in hand, do you attack.....
So here's my question: How DO you love an alcoholic? How do you love somone that is tearing down what you've worked so hard for the minute your back is turned?
Every Rose has its thorn....and mine loves Grey Goose.
*A names in this blog have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.
No comments:
Post a Comment