That has always been one of my favorite quotes. I wish he could have provided some more thorough directions.
We had a large argument this morning, luckily over the phone. The short: two nights ago he drank, so I told him that I didn't want to hang around him and spent the rest of the evening working up in my office. A very productive evening at that! I was proud of myself - I wasn't willing to bow down and take it, but I didn't get angry. I was going to forget about it and the next morning everything would be fine. Oh, if only life were that simple.....
Next morning he was pissed off. I was taking the dog outside while he was having a smoke, and while I don't remember exactly what he said to me I essentially responded by saying I wasn't mad, you can't help yourself, you're sick. I don't think he took that very well, because everything about he body language, tort remarks, and avoidance of eye contact with me the rest of the morning said that he was mad.
Now THAT, did make me mad. What gave him the right to get mad at ME? HE was the one that drank. I did nothing rude to him that night - I did exactly what I told him I would do. What the hell did he have a right to be mad about? Things didn't resolve all day. when I got home from work around 8 I was told there was no dinner, we were all fending for ourselves, and he went upstairs to clean the bedroom and then went to sleep ~9:30.
This morning I called him on it when we were on the phone and the conversation got much more heated than I thought it would. I was MAD, and I don't know where that came from because while I was mad, I didn't think I was that mad until we got gong. I was shaking as I talked into the phone. I could see the hatred on my face without looking in the mirror. It was almost a good thing that the conversation had a time-out when he had to help a patient at work. The conversation ended with him apologizing and agreeing to think about my request of how HE wants me to respond in situations such as two nights ago.
Of course, I did the typical "How do you know when its time to leave an alcoholic" Google search and winded my way around to this book: The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Not many self-help books have 5 Amazon stars with 100+ ratings. My local library let me preview part of the first chapter, and this segment really made me stop and think:
Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a, glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?"
Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception.
My initial reaction: Bullshit! I have every right to be angry at him! But....I had just told him that he did not have a right to be angry at me for his drinking.....which is right? You can't have it both ways, and - although it pains me to say it - I have to concede. He has a right to be angry at me about whatever he wants. I think the key point is how we act on that anger.
I reserved the CDs of that book from the library. I have 2 hours of commuting each day to my new job and I might as well do something constructive with that time.
